The Person Who Dictates What Is Correct

Hello, it's very nice to meet you. Oh yes you did in fact hear accurately. I am the person who dictates what is correct for food. My mother was the previous occupant of this position. When she retired there was no question of succession, my family has always had this job. It’s how it’s always been.

That’s a great looking cheese steak you have there. Sadly it’s not correct. Anyone who pays attention to my dictates knows that those succulent slivers of steak need to be encased in an Amoroso Roll. It’s how it’s always been. What do you mean, why? I just told you. The first person to make a cheesesteak in Philadelphia in 1930 sampled rolls from five different bakeries and the Amoroso roll was their clear favorite. Yes I know this person’s second favorite meal was depression-era liver and onions but let’s not bring any subjective factors such as taste into this. 

I’m not familiar with an arrondissement, no. Why are there so many? I grew up in South Philly so I’m afraid the nuances of Paris will be lost on me sorry. Good bread, you say? Well that’s both nice and besides the point. You see it wouldn’t be correct. I’m not particularly concerned that there may be better options out there. We’ve been over this. They found the right one already. Baking since 1789 you say? Provided the celebratory baguette to the stewards of the guillotine that took Louis’ head huh? Crust crackling like a brulee topping? Center the texture of a carbohydrate cloud? That sounds really appetizing. But I’m afraid it would not be correct.

You’ll have to excuse me. All this talk of cheese steaks had me eat one and now I desperately need to have a bowel movement. Pardon me while I retreat outside. Yes I bury my excrement in the earth. No, of course I don’t use a flushing toilet. Don’t be ridiculous. Dirt, or you’re inauthentic. It’s how it’s always been.