How To Instantly Make Concerts Better

Two words: Set Times! More words: Set them and stick to them. Oh there are very specific reasons you can’t do this? Whatever issues you have are fabricated to fit your narrative of a chaotic gathering of creatives that can’t be tamed. Broadcast is more chaotic than you’ll ever be, and they hit the commercial breaks to the second.

No one will come see the opening bands? Maybe. But few who can help it come to see the opening bands anyway. Every opener I’ve seen in the last 10 years was a mistake. I used to come early to shows. The promise of something new and exciting. Now I’m excited to know I can have a whole fulfilling night of anything I want to be doing and catch the act that I’m excited about. I can spend extra time making the roux for dinner. I know the flour taste cooks out after 5 or so minutes. But if you take 10-15 minutes of constant stirring you can make it turn dark as a New Orleans bar counter. It elevates the dish stratospherically. I won’t have to rush my roux. And I only need to enter the 2000-person communal experience for as long as necessary in order to see exactly what I want. 

It’s a Tuesday night. Five bands on the bill. Surely arrival at 9.00pm will mean missing the first 1-2. But you were waiting for the venue to fill up. Now I must stand here for 4 hours to see the headliner. I fear losing the half-decent spot I gained stage-right. Not close enough to have a railing for support, but close enough to get an experience I couldn’t have achieved by standing at the back watching the live feed the sound person is monitoring. I could be around the corner relaxing in a place where I can talk to people without yelling.

Publish the set times. Everyone wants it. There are no members of your audience who would not prefer to know what time the bands are on and how long they’re going to play for. While you’re at it please encourage roadies to multitask. Walking around the stage distributing water bottles. Placing two each for each instrumentalist. The same rounds then repeated to distribute the towels to the same spots. Here’s my proposal: Water bottles in the hands, towels held tight under the arms. You could even use something similar to the personal shopping baskets in grocery stores to get the whole stage taken care of in one fell swoop. You worked for Faith No More for 20 years. Toured the world a dozen times. You can figure this out. I believe in you.

Mr Bungle was exceptionally good though. 10/10